Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
rambling
ok, so according to wikihow.com, i should write down all my feelings.
Ok. So, why did I go out with him? I have no idea. He said to me that he saw me back in February, and that's the reason why he liked me. And why did i like him? 1)he's cute. 2) his life, honestly, sounded depressing. I wanted to make him happy. For the rest of his life. 3) he was nice to me. No one was that nice to me, EVER. 4) he liked me.
I think those are the reasons. But mainly because i was sure that he definitely liked me. I mean, he even said saranghae after like, two or three days??? and he even said will you marry me? honestly, i liked hearing those words. I liked hearing that he liked me. But i don't know if i liked him for who he was. I think i just liked the fact that he liked me. That must be it. I knew right away that we didn't have that connection. When he said something, I couldn't think of a response. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know what to talk about. With my friends, i can just talk about the most random thing that pops into my head, but with him, i had nothing to say. But because he said he loved me, i thought i can learn to love him too.
He knew i was quiet. He must have known, even from the museum. Everyone thinks i'm quiet, and honestly, i AM quiet. I mean, i'm just shy. Extremely shy. The thing is that, i can't think of anything to say with a stranger, or anyone else who i don't really know. I don't know how they'd response to me and my words. I dont' know them, and what their interests are. That's why i can't think of anything to say.
He often asked me why i didn't talk to his friends. His friends prob thought i was mute, LOL.
well, 1) i'm shy. 2) i couldn't think of anything to say 3) i don't know how to jump into a conversation 4) they were talking about things/people that i couldn't relate to.
He's very social. Way too social. Compared to me. It's just him, his personality to go out there and socialize. I knew that from the very first time i saw him.That's him, that's just who he is. He's the kind of person who can't live without socializing. And i'm completely different. I must have looked to suffocating to him. haha.
But, i think, he should have tried to understand that aspect of me. Not everyone is social, not everyone CAN be social. Me, i'm antisocial. I need time. I take time getting to know people, and opening myself up to them. Just like how HE's very social, and that's who he is, this is who i am. Just like how he couldn't tear himself away from his friends to talk to me, I can't go up to them and start socializing. I'm not blaming him for that either. He said, what can i do? i can't just abandon my friends and talk only to you. I was hurt when i heard him say that to me. Because i understand that. And i accepted it, and i was fine with it. I understood that that's what he is, and i was fine. But he thought i wasn't. Going back to my original point, he should have understood that i work differently than him. But he didn't. He couldn't understand me. And i bet he probably got so frustrated over that. The fact that i couldn't socialize with his friends.
ok, so the reason why we broke up?
other than that above,?
sex?
haha.
Honestly, the idea of sex is appealing. But i would never have sex until i get married. Nuh uh. No way.
He, was complete opposite. He had a freaking box of condoms under his bed...
and he told me, if we continue to go out, he wasnt sure if he would break up with me, b/c he might go out there and have sex with other girls. He wasn't sure if he was gonna do that or not. And honestly, me neither. It seems to me that he was addicted to sex or something, and i certainly wasn't gonna give him that. And i couldn't trust him. He told me that he could see the doubt on my face, uncertainly, and worry. Yes, he was right. As i said, he's very social. And a LOT of girls surround him. LOL. it's as if he's giving off these pheromones and mad girls are just addicted to that. smhh. Neways, he has mad girls around him. And i was nervous. That he was gonna leave me one day for one of those girls. It bothered me to see that he was chatting with girls on his fb and talking about 'catching up' and 'hanging out when you're free.' He was right about how i felt. And he even got his ex almost pregnant.
Would i really want a boyfriend like that? A boyfriend who had like 20 exes, probably had sex with most of them, broke up with 19 of them, and said to me that he wasn't sure if he was gonna go have sex with other girls or not, while we're going out. I thought i could be alright with it, but i guess that would be just putting myself down, below him.
I know that there are tons of better guys out there. I know that. But it's weird how i can't let him go. It's only been a few weeks, maybe 3? and ive become addicted to him.
Ever since that day he called me to break up with me, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, 1~3 every night. Every single day. And i've beeen haveing these awful headaches throughout the day. I've been feeling depressed, want to cry, want to drink, and i keep thinking, what if's. And i want to call him and talk to him so badly, but i know i shouldn't. I know that if i do, he's just gonna be/sound so cold to me. I know i would seem clingy and obsessed. I keep thinking that, hey, maybe he DID love me, and he's in pain right now. I know i'm fantasizing. I know that i'm just wishing that he's going thru the same pain as i'm going thru, cuz maybe he did love me. Maybe he DID mean all those things, that maybe he DID want to marry me.
I know i'm just kidding myself. He's a pro player, he didn't mean those things.
But my heart aches.
Haha.
I never knew i was this emotional. I mean, when i have fights with my mom, i'm very emotional. But i also don't care crap. Even when my friends are going thru soemthing awful or something like that, even when HE was going thru all the pain, I was fine. Even then, even it was him, i was fine. I'm very cold like that. When it comes to people's problems, i simply don't care. it's not like i dont want to care. it's that i think they're just petty problems. I think they're just gonna get solved.
But,
right now, i'm feeling i think what's called a heartache.
It aches.
It aches to think about him, about what happened.
I don't know how i was, what i did before i met him.
I can only remember the times when we were together. I can onlyremember how happy i was.
But i can't remember how i was before that.
I want to go back to what i was before i met him, but i can't remember, so how can i go back?
how can i go back to being all by myself?
It's hard.
I tried listening to music, but all it did was to worsen my headaches.
i want to talk to my friends about it, but i don't want to seem annoying. I guess i dont' want them to see how truly hurt i am. How much pain i'm going through.
I want to cry, but at the same time, i dont' want to. I know that if i cry, i'm just pitying myself. I don't know.
I honestly don't know. But i'm trying.
I'm trying to get over him. I'm trying not to go on his facebook, or sign on to aim to see if he's on, or to see when he signs off.
I'm constantly trying to distract msyelf from thinking about him.
But it's hard when i keep expecting a text or a call from him, and it's even harder when i'm freaking dreaming about him every night. Fuck.
I guess i shouldn't listen to bruno mars anymore.
Everytime i get a text, and my phone starts playing Grenade, i can't help but to think, IS THAT HIM?
yes, i know. i'm being very pathetic.
But i can't help it.
I don't know how that guy freaking came into my life like that, messed me up, and left.
just like that.
i didn't even know we BEGAN to go out, and when i was coming to realize it, he just broke up with me.
Or i broke up with him, according to him.
tsk.
But i guess my intuition was right, haha.
i didn't put that other eye on my Daruma. It just didn't feel right. I mean, i WANTED to. but it didn't feel right to me. And look what happened. haha. A woman's intuition, huh.
anyway, i hope this 'write down your feelings' helped? my headache hasn't completely gone away, though.
AND if i dream about him again, OMG. i would hurt somebody -_-
Ok. So, why did I go out with him? I have no idea. He said to me that he saw me back in February, and that's the reason why he liked me. And why did i like him? 1)he's cute. 2) his life, honestly, sounded depressing. I wanted to make him happy. For the rest of his life. 3) he was nice to me. No one was that nice to me, EVER. 4) he liked me.
I think those are the reasons. But mainly because i was sure that he definitely liked me. I mean, he even said saranghae after like, two or three days??? and he even said will you marry me? honestly, i liked hearing those words. I liked hearing that he liked me. But i don't know if i liked him for who he was. I think i just liked the fact that he liked me. That must be it. I knew right away that we didn't have that connection. When he said something, I couldn't think of a response. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know what to talk about. With my friends, i can just talk about the most random thing that pops into my head, but with him, i had nothing to say. But because he said he loved me, i thought i can learn to love him too.
He knew i was quiet. He must have known, even from the museum. Everyone thinks i'm quiet, and honestly, i AM quiet. I mean, i'm just shy. Extremely shy. The thing is that, i can't think of anything to say with a stranger, or anyone else who i don't really know. I don't know how they'd response to me and my words. I dont' know them, and what their interests are. That's why i can't think of anything to say.
He often asked me why i didn't talk to his friends. His friends prob thought i was mute, LOL.
well, 1) i'm shy. 2) i couldn't think of anything to say 3) i don't know how to jump into a conversation 4) they were talking about things/people that i couldn't relate to.
He's very social. Way too social. Compared to me. It's just him, his personality to go out there and socialize. I knew that from the very first time i saw him.That's him, that's just who he is. He's the kind of person who can't live without socializing. And i'm completely different. I must have looked to suffocating to him. haha.
But, i think, he should have tried to understand that aspect of me. Not everyone is social, not everyone CAN be social. Me, i'm antisocial. I need time. I take time getting to know people, and opening myself up to them. Just like how HE's very social, and that's who he is, this is who i am. Just like how he couldn't tear himself away from his friends to talk to me, I can't go up to them and start socializing. I'm not blaming him for that either. He said, what can i do? i can't just abandon my friends and talk only to you. I was hurt when i heard him say that to me. Because i understand that. And i accepted it, and i was fine with it. I understood that that's what he is, and i was fine. But he thought i wasn't. Going back to my original point, he should have understood that i work differently than him. But he didn't. He couldn't understand me. And i bet he probably got so frustrated over that. The fact that i couldn't socialize with his friends.
ok, so the reason why we broke up?
other than that above,?
sex?
haha.
Honestly, the idea of sex is appealing. But i would never have sex until i get married. Nuh uh. No way.
He, was complete opposite. He had a freaking box of condoms under his bed...
and he told me, if we continue to go out, he wasnt sure if he would break up with me, b/c he might go out there and have sex with other girls. He wasn't sure if he was gonna do that or not. And honestly, me neither. It seems to me that he was addicted to sex or something, and i certainly wasn't gonna give him that. And i couldn't trust him. He told me that he could see the doubt on my face, uncertainly, and worry. Yes, he was right. As i said, he's very social. And a LOT of girls surround him. LOL. it's as if he's giving off these pheromones and mad girls are just addicted to that. smhh. Neways, he has mad girls around him. And i was nervous. That he was gonna leave me one day for one of those girls. It bothered me to see that he was chatting with girls on his fb and talking about 'catching up' and 'hanging out when you're free.' He was right about how i felt. And he even got his ex almost pregnant.
Would i really want a boyfriend like that? A boyfriend who had like 20 exes, probably had sex with most of them, broke up with 19 of them, and said to me that he wasn't sure if he was gonna go have sex with other girls or not, while we're going out. I thought i could be alright with it, but i guess that would be just putting myself down, below him.
I know that there are tons of better guys out there. I know that. But it's weird how i can't let him go. It's only been a few weeks, maybe 3? and ive become addicted to him.
Ever since that day he called me to break up with me, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, 1~3 every night. Every single day. And i've beeen haveing these awful headaches throughout the day. I've been feeling depressed, want to cry, want to drink, and i keep thinking, what if's. And i want to call him and talk to him so badly, but i know i shouldn't. I know that if i do, he's just gonna be/sound so cold to me. I know i would seem clingy and obsessed. I keep thinking that, hey, maybe he DID love me, and he's in pain right now. I know i'm fantasizing. I know that i'm just wishing that he's going thru the same pain as i'm going thru, cuz maybe he did love me. Maybe he DID mean all those things, that maybe he DID want to marry me.
I know i'm just kidding myself. He's a pro player, he didn't mean those things.
But my heart aches.
Haha.
I never knew i was this emotional. I mean, when i have fights with my mom, i'm very emotional. But i also don't care crap. Even when my friends are going thru soemthing awful or something like that, even when HE was going thru all the pain, I was fine. Even then, even it was him, i was fine. I'm very cold like that. When it comes to people's problems, i simply don't care. it's not like i dont want to care. it's that i think they're just petty problems. I think they're just gonna get solved.
But,
right now, i'm feeling i think what's called a heartache.
It aches.
It aches to think about him, about what happened.
I don't know how i was, what i did before i met him.
I can only remember the times when we were together. I can onlyremember how happy i was.
But i can't remember how i was before that.
I want to go back to what i was before i met him, but i can't remember, so how can i go back?
how can i go back to being all by myself?
It's hard.
I tried listening to music, but all it did was to worsen my headaches.
i want to talk to my friends about it, but i don't want to seem annoying. I guess i dont' want them to see how truly hurt i am. How much pain i'm going through.
I want to cry, but at the same time, i dont' want to. I know that if i cry, i'm just pitying myself. I don't know.
I honestly don't know. But i'm trying.
I'm trying to get over him. I'm trying not to go on his facebook, or sign on to aim to see if he's on, or to see when he signs off.
I'm constantly trying to distract msyelf from thinking about him.
But it's hard when i keep expecting a text or a call from him, and it's even harder when i'm freaking dreaming about him every night. Fuck.
I guess i shouldn't listen to bruno mars anymore.
Everytime i get a text, and my phone starts playing Grenade, i can't help but to think, IS THAT HIM?
yes, i know. i'm being very pathetic.
But i can't help it.
I don't know how that guy freaking came into my life like that, messed me up, and left.
just like that.
i didn't even know we BEGAN to go out, and when i was coming to realize it, he just broke up with me.
Or i broke up with him, according to him.
tsk.
But i guess my intuition was right, haha.
i didn't put that other eye on my Daruma. It just didn't feel right. I mean, i WANTED to. but it didn't feel right to me. And look what happened. haha. A woman's intuition, huh.
anyway, i hope this 'write down your feelings' helped? my headache hasn't completely gone away, though.
AND if i dream about him again, OMG. i would hurt somebody -_-
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