Dream I

i was back in seosang again. As usual, i ran around the town to find my friends. As usual, I couldn't run fast. it felt like i was trying to run through water. Do you know how hard taht is?? but i kept pushing myself. because i had to see them again.

i found out that ahyoung's familiy's stores were no longer there... replaced by new stores and houses. I felt despair. After all this time i finally came, and my friend was no longer there.

I did see three familiar faces from america, from whom i ran away from. which was weird. they weren't supposed to know that i came back to korea to look for my friends. 


and then..
guess who i saw.
i saw minjae.
it was so sad. 
i knew they wouldn't recognize me, so i wanted to just see them and go back. except that i couldn't. So when he was walking away, i called out his name. jung min jae.
At the same time he turned around, i also turned around, thinking, oh no.
he came up to me, put a hand on my shoulder and said, u know me?
it was so sad. i couldn't say anything, because they weren't supposed to remember me. and i wasn't supposed to make them remember me. and then i think i ran away.

and then, suddenly, me, minjae, and my other friends were walking inside a school. they were waiting uniforms. and along the hallway in the school, i saw pictures. pictures of us, when we were little. when we used to go to elementary school together. and i cried and smiled, because they remembered me. because there were pictures of them.. and me, together. smiling, looking happy. and then we walked down the stairs, and i had to leave, because the principal and the assistant were coming back. so i snuck into a closet, and opened the door on the other side of the room. and then the stupid asssistant popped up from next to the door, which was so scary. and she screamed. an intruder! a stranger! so i ran. i ran outside and walked across a bridge covered with vinyl. by that time i was a guy O.o. and i was hurt, i think.

this whole dream made me sad. I always dream of this. me going back to seosang, frantically searching for my old friends, and finding them, and watching from a distance. because i was afraid taht they forgot about me, didn't remember me. I wonder if i'll always have this dream. I wonder if i'll ever get over the fact that i'm no longer in korea, im no longer friends with my old friends, that there will be no chance that we'll all meet up together. because they're going to different colleges now. but i can't move on. i feel like i'm stuck in my own frozen world.


 Tuesday, March 2, 2010 at 9:20pm

late night musing I

The other night I dreamed that I was back in my old hometown. It was a bittersweet dream. I was walking on the familiar road, looking at familiar landscape. I miss that feeling of familiarity. And I'm afraid that I would forget it all - all those memories of childhood. That's the thing with growing up, I guess. I remember when I waved my hand in goodbye to my aunt, in the airport, 8 years ago. Back then I didn't feel anything. No sorrows of leaving my country for good, my friends and my home. Not even excitements of seeing my mom again after 7 years. I was just going from Place A to Place B, nothing more. But now, when I look back, I wonder why I didn't cry, why I said 'bye' with a smiling face. How? Are all children like that or was it just me?

Yesterday, my mom called me cold. She said I'm icy cold. I wonder if that's true. On the outside, I guess I can be pretty icy sometimes. But in the inside, I'm not sure. Which one counts? I think I hide myself pretty well, I definitely do not want to show my real self to my mom. But the thing is, the way she said it, she sounded as if she didn't know how I turned out to be like that. Haha.

It should be pretty obvious.

I had a dream. Something I looked forward to literally every night. For practically 7 years. And then at the end of those 7 years, I realized that it was invalid. I realized that I had simply been dreaming. I think that matures a kid pretty fast. In a pessimistic way. LoL.

Well, here is my first post... I didn't want it to be all depressing... :( sniff.