I'm feeling depressed again. Idk why, but the tiniest thing can change my mood instantly from happy to depressed... idk.
sigh.
i should be happy, because yesterday was Christmas, and I got to eat dinner with the bf, and he got me wonderful gifts. LOLS. not to sound materialistic. I was surprised at the length and the thickness of the scarf, wow. He really put a lot of time and effort on that pretty scarf :)
and then i come home and show the gifts to my mom.
yes.
my mom.
she gotta ruin everything.
she just HAS to ruin my happy feelings on the Christmas Day.
she just asked a lot of questions about him
and the more she asked and the more i answered the darker her face became
it didn't matter to her that he makes me happy, that i'm finally feeling happy now
no, it didn't.
she just had to look up the biomatch thing and say to me that we'd better break up.
wtf?
how can she say that?
it just blows my mind.
How can she be so inconsiderate and tell me straight to my face that i'd better break up with him?
what gives her the right?
she told me that she didn't know i had such "low" eyes, and asked me why i was "lowering" myself.
She told me to break up with him, and to stay friends with "that kind of a guy"
and then she looked away back at her computer, as if the conversation was over.
it just makes me laugh how she can find so many ways to hurt me.
and i'm always a second too late to shield myself from all the cruelty that comes out of her mouth and towards me.
After ruining my wonderful Christmas day, I went to bed feeling like shit and feeling mad depressed.
Then i had a horrible dream, I woke up in the middle of the night finding myself crying hard. (oh shoot, i just realized that my cousin sleeps on the top bunk bed, i hope she didn't hear me cry LOLS..... //embarrassed)
Then all day today i was feeling depressed again.
Not only did i have a horrible and sad dream all night, mom was being so cold to me this morning.
She was talking to me in her "i'm not yelling, i'm not angry" voice, she wasn't looking at me at all, and she kept slamming her door. Then later when she went out to go to the library, apparently she got lost. Then she called me to ask for directions, but it was more like she was yelling at me to give her the right directions, and when i did, she didn't even say thanks, she just yelled at me some more like she was frustrated with me, then hung up.
then i got more depressed.
I am wondering yet again why i am still in this house.
and wondering, why do i have to go through all this shit every time?
my mom treats me like i'm something she can screw around with.
She spits out whatever she wants to say, not caring that it might hurt other people,
then she doesn't apologize, EVER.
I've long given up asking her to apologize after a fight. Because then she'd have a sneer on her face, and say sorry~ in that 'yeah right' voice, then laugh.
I feel like crying right now.
I'd be crying if my cousin wasn't here
And i'd be drinking my secret bottle of vodka
lmao
anyways..
i thought writing how depressed i am right now would make me slightly less depressed,
but i'm even more depressed LOL.
As i always say to my friends and to myself,

i hate living in this house.