I'm feeling depressed again. Idk why, but the tiniest thing can change my mood instantly from happy to depressed... idk.
sigh.
i should be happy, because yesterday was Christmas, and I got to eat dinner with the bf, and he got me wonderful gifts. LOLS. not to sound materialistic. I was surprised at the length and the thickness of the scarf, wow. He really put a lot of time and effort on that pretty scarf :)
and then i come home and show the gifts to my mom.
yes.
my mom.
she gotta ruin everything.
she just HAS to ruin my happy feelings on the Christmas Day.
she just asked a lot of questions about him
and the more she asked and the more i answered the darker her face became
it didn't matter to her that he makes me happy, that i'm finally feeling happy now
no, it didn't.
she just had to look up the biomatch thing and say to me that we'd better break up.
wtf?
how can she say that?
it just blows my mind.
How can she be so inconsiderate and tell me straight to my face that i'd better break up with him?
what gives her the right?
she told me that she didn't know i had such "low" eyes, and asked me why i was "lowering" myself.
She told me to break up with him, and to stay friends with "that kind of a guy"
and then she looked away back at her computer, as if the conversation was over.
it just makes me laugh how she can find so many ways to hurt me.
and i'm always a second too late to shield myself from all the cruelty that comes out of her mouth and towards me.
After ruining my wonderful Christmas day, I went to bed feeling like shit and feeling mad depressed.
Then i had a horrible dream, I woke up in the middle of the night finding myself crying hard. (oh shoot, i just realized that my cousin sleeps on the top bunk bed, i hope she didn't hear me cry LOLS..... //embarrassed)
Then all day today i was feeling depressed again.
Not only did i have a horrible and sad dream all night, mom was being so cold to me this morning.
She was talking to me in her "i'm not yelling, i'm not angry" voice, she wasn't looking at me at all, and she kept slamming her door. Then later when she went out to go to the library, apparently she got lost. Then she called me to ask for directions, but it was more like she was yelling at me to give her the right directions, and when i did, she didn't even say thanks, she just yelled at me some more like she was frustrated with me, then hung up.
then i got more depressed.
I am wondering yet again why i am still in this house.
and wondering, why do i have to go through all this shit every time?
my mom treats me like i'm something she can screw around with.
She spits out whatever she wants to say, not caring that it might hurt other people,
then she doesn't apologize, EVER.
I've long given up asking her to apologize after a fight. Because then she'd have a sneer on her face, and say sorry~ in that 'yeah right' voice, then laugh.
I feel like crying right now.
I'd be crying if my cousin wasn't here
And i'd be drinking my secret bottle of vodka
lmao
anyways..
i thought writing how depressed i am right now would make me slightly less depressed,
but i'm even more depressed LOL.
As i always say to my friends and to myself,

i hate living in this house.

If i cried, would it make me feel better?

rambling

ok, so according to wikihow.com, i should write down all my feelings.
Ok. So, why did I go out with him? I have no idea. He said to me that he saw me back in February, and that's the reason why he liked me. And why did i like him? 1)he's cute. 2) his life, honestly, sounded depressing. I wanted to make him happy. For the rest of his life. 3) he was nice to me. No one was that nice to me, EVER. 4) he liked me.
I think those are the reasons. But mainly because i was sure that he definitely liked me. I mean, he even said saranghae after like, two or three days??? and he even said will you marry me? honestly, i liked hearing those words. I liked hearing that he liked me. But i don't know if i liked him for who he was. I think i just liked the fact that he liked me. That must be it. I knew right away that we didn't have that connection. When he said something, I couldn't think of a response. I didn't know what to say to him, I didn't know what to talk about. With my friends, i can just talk about the most random thing that pops into my head, but with him, i had nothing to say. But because he said he loved me, i thought i can learn to love him too.

He knew i was quiet. He must have known, even from the museum. Everyone thinks i'm quiet, and honestly, i AM quiet. I mean, i'm just shy. Extremely shy. The thing is that, i can't think of anything to say with a stranger, or anyone else who i don't really know. I don't know how they'd response to me and my words. I dont' know them, and what their interests are. That's why i can't think of anything to say.
He often asked me why i didn't talk to his friends. His friends prob thought i was mute, LOL.
well, 1) i'm shy. 2) i couldn't think of anything to say 3) i don't know how to jump into a conversation 4) they were talking about things/people that i couldn't relate to.
He's very social. Way too social. Compared to me. It's just him, his personality to go out there and socialize. I knew that from the very first time i saw him.That's him, that's just who he is. He's the kind of person who can't live without socializing. And i'm completely different. I must have looked to suffocating to him. haha.
But, i think, he should have tried to understand that aspect of me. Not everyone is social, not everyone CAN be social. Me, i'm antisocial. I need time. I take time getting to know people, and opening myself up to them. Just like how HE's very social, and that's who he is, this is who i am. Just like how he couldn't tear himself away from his friends to talk to me, I can't go up to them and start socializing. I'm not blaming him for that either. He said, what can i do? i can't just abandon my friends and talk only to you. I was hurt when i heard him say that to me. Because i understand that. And i accepted it, and i was fine with it. I understood that that's what he is, and i was fine. But he thought i wasn't. Going back to my original point, he should have understood that i work differently than him. But he didn't. He couldn't understand me. And i bet he probably got so frustrated over that. The fact that i couldn't socialize with his friends.
ok, so the reason why we broke up?
other than that above,?
sex?
haha.
Honestly, the idea of sex is appealing. But i would never have sex until i get married. Nuh uh. No way.
He, was complete opposite. He had a freaking box of condoms under his bed...
and he told me, if we continue to go out, he wasnt sure if he would break up with me, b/c he might go out there and have sex with other girls. He wasn't sure if he was gonna do that or not. And honestly, me neither. It seems to me that he was addicted to sex or something, and i certainly wasn't gonna give him that. And i couldn't trust him. He told me that he could see the doubt on my face, uncertainly, and worry. Yes, he was right. As i said, he's very social. And a LOT of girls surround him. LOL. it's as if he's giving off these pheromones and mad girls are just addicted to that. smhh. Neways, he has mad girls around him. And i was nervous. That he was gonna leave me one day for one of those girls. It bothered me to see that he was chatting with girls on his fb and talking about 'catching up' and 'hanging out when you're free.' He was right about how i felt. And he even got his ex almost pregnant.
Would i really want a boyfriend like that? A boyfriend who had like 20 exes, probably had sex with most of them, broke up with 19 of them, and said to me that he wasn't sure if he was gonna go have sex with other girls or not, while we're going out. I thought i could be alright with it, but i guess that would be just putting myself down, below him.
I know that there are tons of better guys out there. I know that. But it's weird how i can't let him go. It's only been a few weeks, maybe 3? and ive become addicted to him.
Ever since that day he called me to break up with me, I've been waking up in the middle of the night, 1~3 every night. Every single day. And i've beeen haveing these awful headaches throughout the day. I've been feeling depressed, want to cry, want to drink, and i keep thinking, what if's. And i want to call him and talk to him so badly, but i know i shouldn't. I know that if i do, he's just gonna be/sound so cold to me. I know i would seem clingy and obsessed. I keep thinking that, hey, maybe he DID love me, and he's in pain right now. I know i'm fantasizing. I know that i'm just wishing that he's going thru the same pain as i'm going thru, cuz maybe he did love me. Maybe he DID mean all those things, that maybe he DID want to marry me.
I know i'm just kidding myself. He's a pro player, he didn't mean those things.
But my heart aches.
Haha.
I never knew i was this emotional. I mean, when i have fights with my mom, i'm very emotional. But i also don't care crap. Even when my friends are going thru soemthing awful or something like that, even when HE was going thru all the pain, I was fine. Even then, even it was him, i was fine. I'm very cold like that. When it comes to people's problems, i simply don't care. it's not like i dont want to care. it's that i think they're just petty problems. I think they're just gonna get solved.
But,
right now, i'm feeling i think what's called a heartache.
It aches.
It aches to think about him, about what happened.
I don't know how i was, what i did before i met him.
I can only remember the times when we were together. I can onlyremember how happy i was.
But i can't remember how i was before that.
I want to go back to what i was before i met him, but i can't remember, so how can i go back?
how can i go back to being all by myself?
It's hard.
I tried listening to music, but all it did was to worsen my headaches.
i want to talk to my friends about it, but i don't want to seem annoying. I guess i dont' want them to see how truly hurt i am. How much pain i'm going through.
I want to cry, but at the same time, i dont' want to. I know that if i cry, i'm just pitying myself. I don't know.
I honestly don't know. But i'm trying.
I'm trying to get over him. I'm trying not to go on his facebook, or sign on to aim to see if he's on, or to see when he signs off.
I'm constantly trying to distract msyelf from thinking about him.
But it's hard when i keep expecting a text or a call from him, and it's even harder when i'm freaking dreaming about him every night. Fuck.
I guess i shouldn't listen to bruno mars anymore.
Everytime i get a text, and my phone starts playing Grenade, i can't help but to think, IS THAT HIM?
yes, i know. i'm being very pathetic.
But i can't help it.
I don't know how that guy freaking came into my life like that, messed me up, and left.
just like that.
i didn't even know we BEGAN to go out, and when i was coming to realize it, he just broke up with me.
Or i broke up with him, according to him.
tsk.
But i guess my intuition was right, haha.
i didn't put that other eye on my Daruma. It just didn't feel right. I mean, i WANTED to. but it didn't feel right to me. And look what happened. haha. A woman's intuition, huh.
anyway, i hope this 'write down your feelings' helped? my headache hasn't completely gone away, though.
AND if i dream about him again, OMG. i would hurt somebody -_-

Dream II

so i fell asleep at 12pm~4pm, and i had THE most amazing dream ever!!
so i was living at this town among the mountains, right? and this old geezer, looking like a wizard or something, (might have been wearing a purple robe with the triangle hat...) he was like, LOOK! and above everyone's heads, there was this HUMONGOUS, tall, top piece of a very steep mountain, enveloped in a translucent pyramid shape. and then he spun the mountain, and it kept spinning at a fast speed, and then when it stopped, one of its base corner was pointing downward, and on the clear pyramid envelop, it said, either 1000 (or a million) years ago, or after, and the mountain turned really horrific, and it started crashing downward slowly.then everyone panicked and started running away.

There was this guy in my dream, and he was playing this six-flag game booth thing, where he'd throw the ball (sometimes with his body) and hit one of the big chubby fat dollas on the bottom, which it would go all the way up, then fall. He got three dolls, and i think he gave one of them to me? or gave it to some other girls. And then i remember i was like, u should do it again! 200원이 대수라고 (ee back won ee dae soo la go) and i took out a 100 won coin but someone already paid for him and i think he got two more dolls.
there was this other sensitive guy with the glasses, he wanted to get three dolls too but his throw were weak. he got mad because he couldn't catcch up to the other guy and ripped a metal heater (somehow this scene was taking place at the bottom of my stairs) and hit the machine thing with it. i was around the corner, sneakingly watching him, but when he sensed me and turned, i came out and hid among a pink comforter. But my head was peeking out and he found me.

Later, i found myself arm wrestling (kind of) with this girl from the bad side. Except that she was kinda twisting my arm. Then LINDSEY comes out of nowhere and takes over the bad girl, and i thought she was gonna go easy on me cuz u know, she's supposed to be on my side, but no, she twisted my wrist even more, and i was like LINDSEY! and she was like oh. but didn't loosen up.
There was this cute guy, about my age? gosh he was so cute. he was on the bad side. But he liked my cooking for some reason. And i was like, i told you i cook well. Do you want some more? but he just silently ate and went away. 


Another scene was weird. So, there was this man guarding this thing. Somehow i got the key. So my friend, (woman), put a box over the man, and somehow that became a small grey metal box. But the thing is, the top of the box was like, getting squished!! i think his fingers were either melting or pulling hte parts of the box. So my friend took a stick and held it down, but then there was this whole on the top of the metal box, and acid started pouring out, and she was yelling at me to hurry.

So, i was few feet away from them, in front of a large metal safe shelf (like the one at the ice skating place) and one safe was open, and there was this contact-lens case looking thing, except there were like two big ones and two little ones, and i was trying to open it with a screw. Then i finally got it, and i was like, I GOT IT  and we all ran away, and i squirted liquid from the contact lens at the woman, twice, (that supposedly helped her) and squired at the flimsey, sensitive guy (prob the one who was angry at the game machine?) and he turned into a HUUUGE stingray looking thing, and he distracted everyone. He was supposed to turn back in like 10 minutes, so to not get caught, he was hiding downstaris, underneath something. I remember thinking, man, what is he doing, he still has some time, he should distract them more!

Other than that, there was a LOT of shooting in my dream. we tried crossing a field, but they kept shooting at us, and i got hit several times, in the left shoulder. There were shooting EVERYWHERE. and i was shooting too, i think. But i ran out of bullets.


MAN, it was such a good dream!!!
oh yeah and i was flying around a lot.

Dream I

i was back in seosang again. As usual, i ran around the town to find my friends. As usual, I couldn't run fast. it felt like i was trying to run through water. Do you know how hard taht is?? but i kept pushing myself. because i had to see them again.

i found out that ahyoung's familiy's stores were no longer there... replaced by new stores and houses. I felt despair. After all this time i finally came, and my friend was no longer there.

I did see three familiar faces from america, from whom i ran away from. which was weird. they weren't supposed to know that i came back to korea to look for my friends. 


and then..
guess who i saw.
i saw minjae.
it was so sad. 
i knew they wouldn't recognize me, so i wanted to just see them and go back. except that i couldn't. So when he was walking away, i called out his name. jung min jae.
At the same time he turned around, i also turned around, thinking, oh no.
he came up to me, put a hand on my shoulder and said, u know me?
it was so sad. i couldn't say anything, because they weren't supposed to remember me. and i wasn't supposed to make them remember me. and then i think i ran away.

and then, suddenly, me, minjae, and my other friends were walking inside a school. they were waiting uniforms. and along the hallway in the school, i saw pictures. pictures of us, when we were little. when we used to go to elementary school together. and i cried and smiled, because they remembered me. because there were pictures of them.. and me, together. smiling, looking happy. and then we walked down the stairs, and i had to leave, because the principal and the assistant were coming back. so i snuck into a closet, and opened the door on the other side of the room. and then the stupid asssistant popped up from next to the door, which was so scary. and she screamed. an intruder! a stranger! so i ran. i ran outside and walked across a bridge covered with vinyl. by that time i was a guy O.o. and i was hurt, i think.

this whole dream made me sad. I always dream of this. me going back to seosang, frantically searching for my old friends, and finding them, and watching from a distance. because i was afraid taht they forgot about me, didn't remember me. I wonder if i'll always have this dream. I wonder if i'll ever get over the fact that i'm no longer in korea, im no longer friends with my old friends, that there will be no chance that we'll all meet up together. because they're going to different colleges now. but i can't move on. i feel like i'm stuck in my own frozen world.


 Tuesday, March 2, 2010 at 9:20pm

late night musing I

The other night I dreamed that I was back in my old hometown. It was a bittersweet dream. I was walking on the familiar road, looking at familiar landscape. I miss that feeling of familiarity. And I'm afraid that I would forget it all - all those memories of childhood. That's the thing with growing up, I guess. I remember when I waved my hand in goodbye to my aunt, in the airport, 8 years ago. Back then I didn't feel anything. No sorrows of leaving my country for good, my friends and my home. Not even excitements of seeing my mom again after 7 years. I was just going from Place A to Place B, nothing more. But now, when I look back, I wonder why I didn't cry, why I said 'bye' with a smiling face. How? Are all children like that or was it just me?

Yesterday, my mom called me cold. She said I'm icy cold. I wonder if that's true. On the outside, I guess I can be pretty icy sometimes. But in the inside, I'm not sure. Which one counts? I think I hide myself pretty well, I definitely do not want to show my real self to my mom. But the thing is, the way she said it, she sounded as if she didn't know how I turned out to be like that. Haha.

It should be pretty obvious.

I had a dream. Something I looked forward to literally every night. For practically 7 years. And then at the end of those 7 years, I realized that it was invalid. I realized that I had simply been dreaming. I think that matures a kid pretty fast. In a pessimistic way. LoL.

Well, here is my first post... I didn't want it to be all depressing... :( sniff.